Making peace with your enemy
The slate-colored sky surrounded the endless meadows on either side of the road as my Toyota sliced through the frigid afternoon air—ask anyone who lives in the Pacific Northwest, it’s all gray and green until sometime in June. I was headed North after an entire day away at a conference.
Alone.
Just the ashen sky and me. And the sporadic cluster of cows grazing in the fields as I sailed by.
A gentle rain began to fall that caused a comfortable sleepiness to settle over the day.
And I felt…content. Which is surprising because ten years ago I would’ve felt anything but contentment with being alone. For most of my adult life, I did everything in my power to not be alone.
Because being by myself meant I was alone with my greatest enemy.
How to make peace with your enemy
Finding the antagonist.
While at the writers’ conference I attended I heard quite a few different tactics for creating protagonists and antagonists in a story. I’m not much of a fiction writer so I wasn’t as interested in the details of this. However, while in the process of trying to hide the fact that my coffee spilled on to the commercial-grade Berber in the auditorium, I had an epiphany about this subject. Somewhere between dabbing the beige stain on my backpack and carefully shifting my weight to avoid sitting in coffee, I found something;
My antagonist.
She was currently covered in coffee.
I’m the antagonist in my own story.
You remember those cartoons where the main character is deciding whether to do something and he has his good self and bad self-speaking to him? I was sitting uncomfortably to one side of my chair while having visions of “good Susan” and “evil Susan” on either side of my head.
It’s not always so theatrical, but I really can be my own worst enemy.
It’s always been this way.
I have dealt with generalized anxiety and obsessive thoughts for pretty much all of my adult life and lived for a very long time terrified of my own mind. In fact, being alone with my thoughts was the scariest thing I could think of, because of this, I would do anything to ensure I was constantly with people.
I liked to blame this on my “extrovert” personality, but really, I was afraid of myself.
Me? Scary?
We all have uneasy thoughts that pop into our minds from time to time—or if you’re like me, far more often than you’d like. The question is, what do we do with them?
I used to believe I was at the mercy of every thought that came into my head and every fear that arose, which was the reason I was so afraid of them.
It felt as though my own mind was bullying me and I would falter between anger at the unfairness and depression due to hopelessness.
This all brought me to an eventual point where I had to face my antagonist head-on and own up to the fact that I may be partially responsible for what happened between my own two ears. I mean, I suppose I could walk around for the rest of my life being a victim and telling myself that I “get” panic attacks—as if panic is waiting around a corner to attack anyone— (yeah… that’s a topic for another day.)
Shaking my enemy’s hand
I decided I’d rather acknowledge the fact that even though I didn’t invite anxiety into my life, it’s here, and it’s not planning on going anywhere.
At least not any time soon.
After years of dealing with the irritating pitfalls associated with severe anxiety and depression—as well as all of the why’s— I was exhausted. Come to think of it, focusing on yourself all the time is exhausting.
I found some freedom in acknowledging that this whole dance wasn’t entirely out of my control. It meant making a choice and an agreement.
It meant shaking my enemy’s hand and working with her, rather than against her.
Listening to or speaking into.
Even though we now have an understanding, the antagonist in my story is never far and inevitably will try to stir up trouble. So, I have a choice to make. I have a choice to whom I listen to.
The antagonist in my mind is forever speaking lies and making me feel like I have no way of doing anything about them. However, when I actively speak back rather than giving in, I realize I have a lot more say in the matter than I used to think.
Speaking into my mind means looking at a thought and understanding it has no power over me unless I allow it to. It’s complete truth when God tells us that we have a sound mind (or self-control.)
Remember: you can either listen and obey your thoughts or you can speak into them. This is a real truth that you can begin to actively put into action in your daily life.
And truth, my friend, is the key to overcoming.
We are not robots at the mercy of our thoughts. No matter who you are or what you deal with.
I used to like to hide behind my anxiety and OCD label as if I couldn’t do anything about it. But that was just another lie I was believing.
Please don’t mistake what I’m saying here—It’s not always easy.
But it is possible.
Remember God said with Him all things are possible.
There is a reason we need Jesus, not just at the cross or the day we believed, but in our every. Single. Day. Because if you’re anything like me, you are your own worst enemy.
We sabotage ourselves at every turn and if we believe we can truly “help our selves,” we’re being delusional.
There is a reason Jesus came. We needed him.
And we still do.
I still do.
How to make peace with your enemy
When my head is spinning and I’m wide awake at 3:00 am, He is my soft place to land. He is the calming in my crazy. I speak to the creator and sustainer of the universe…and of me.
This world may scoff and call me crazy because I believe that I can talk to God and that He is listening to my every concern. However, I call them crazy for believing they could ever do this thing called life on their own.
I wasn’t meant to sit alone with my antagonist, listening to every negative and ugly thought that I speak to myself. However, let’s be honest, she’s here and as long as I’m waking up and drinking coffee on this Earth, she’ll stay with me.
But you know, I’m not all that afraid of her anymore because I have the greatest helper on my side. I can be alone with my thoughts now because he gives me peace where chaos would otherwise reign.
The bottom line is since he’s the peacemaker and he’s made peace with the enemy in my story—me— so can I.
As always, friend, thank you for stopping by,
How to make peace with your enemy
